I Anadita, feel very lonely and I know I am losing the battle every day. If I am gone one day please know that I tried, I really tried but failed to turn things in my favour. I am not weak but cannot find a reason to continue.
I once was a very happy girl and an independent woman who had never thought in her dreams that she would give up her ambitions at any cost. I was confident that I would balance it all, but tonight I feel just the opposite. I guess I have lost all my confidence and messed it all up. The circumstances swallowed me and I gave up everything for my loved ones and today they have deprived me of their love too altogether. So, I feel all empty the whole time. Gas lighting is real and it can be concealed in several forms and it is too late until one realizes it.
It is not me, who would like to live a life with tears welling up my eyes multiple times a day. I once loved talking and could go on chattering the whole day but today I am quiet, absolutely quiet lonely at home, always thinking of ways to find myself back.
If I obey my husband I am rewarded with his love and if by mistake I don’t, I am punished for months, the fear of which sends shivers down my spine. No, he doesn’t hurt me physically but subjects me to a prolonged silent treatment full of hatred. Why have I become so emotionally dependent on him? Why can’t I make my own decisions? It is possible that I might not be comfortable with the people he loves but if I say it, hell breaks at home. I can’t see my children silently absorb my pain. So sometimes I feel it would be better if I am gone forever. I have reduced my whole life to my husband and children and even if one of them abhors me, it kills me from within. Honestly, the mistake is all mine.
The biggest mistake an Indian woman makes in her life is when she gives up her financial freedom. Okay, I gave up mine for the betterment of my family but I don’t think it should take away my right to decide what I want in life, I was a powerful and assertive woman but now I feel like a puppet who must learn to regard her master and do as he says lest he decides to punish her again which he does for a major part of the year.
I keep it all concealed in my heart because the world respects him a lot and I have loved him enough to never reveal his real self to the world. I have always known him as two different persons, one who loves me a lot when he feels like it and the other who chooses to give me the silent treatment and ignore my existence completely if I utter or do something he does not like.
I die every moment I try and pacify this negative energy lingering in my house but I bow down further and further to only make him smile once, so that my children get back their father. It has been days and months and years and decades like this and now I am done. I see no way out of this trap. I am all alone. I want someone to talk to me and love me. This loneliness is gradually swallowing me and I will be soon gone forever just hanging in for my kids to grow up a bit but I hate where I have come, from where I started.
If you were Anadita, how would you have done things differently? Is there any advice you would like to give her?
-------------------------------------
Hi everyone, thanks for dropping by, this is my ninth consecutive #BlogchatterA2Z and global #AtoZchallenge, and this year I am penning Pages From the Diaries of Indian Women. In case you wish to check out what I wrote in the last 9 challenges here are the links for 2016, 2017, 2018 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023.
If you like what I write, you can grab copies of my eight published works here: The Fragrance of True Love, Destiny's Favorite Child, Dare to Defy The Destiny, Empowered Women Empower Women, Soulful Letters On COVID, for My Future Grandchild, I Live to Love You, Soft Strings Of My Heart and Brave Inked Emotions. Also, as the founder of the Endometriosis Support and Awareness Group of India and Emotionally Strong Women Of India, I would love for you to join me in my mission or approach me for any women's health-related (physical/mental/emotional) assistance you seek.
No comments:
Post a Comment