It was 3:35 a.m. in the morn when I felt my cell vibrating under my pillow. It was from dad and at this odd hour, it made my heart pound several times faster. Myriad fears flashed across my brain and heart in a flash of a second as I connected the call. My worst fear had come true. Aajii has left us forever to rest in the heavenly abode.
My heart wept in silent tears of extreme pain for I felt with her has gone my Golden Talisman which gave me the courage to deal with life's most painful throwbacks. I felt lifeless and collapsed on the floor. I have always been my Aajii's Princess and her love and guidance meant the world to me. For the past fortnight, I have been continuously dreaming about her inviting me to come over to meet her and I am so filled with remorse today. I have been so engrossed in fighting my own life that I could not understand the hints that my Aajii was going away. I now so much wanted to see her for one last time.
I was scared though how Praharsh would take all this and not break into another fit of violence over me and my two little sons. However my fragile heart overcame his fear and woke him up to book the tickets.Unpredictable as always, this time he didn't choose to hit me or push me away. Instead he went out, so I woke my little children up and quickly packed a set of clothes. I was adamant to pay my last tributes to the most important person in my life.
He quickly came back and gave me the flight ticket to Kolkata but it was only for me. I questioned back that at least our 3 year old younger one must go with me as he is very tiny. But he replied back that only I can go and he is not sure that when I return, I shall find my little boy alive. I was aghast at his reply. Like always he had again battered my soul through his painful satirical words and ways which lacked reason.
Thirteen years I have bore all this mental trauma all because I could not conceive my own child and when it was revealed that it was not on account of a problem in me but a medical condition with my hubby, he restored to violence to prove his superiority which instead threw naked all his weaknesses. For me his infertility never really mattered as it can like any other disease be cured or alternatives could be worked out. No matter how many times I told him this, he never really understood my love. Had he not taken to his ego, we were perhaps the happiest couple in town. He being the only child of his parents whom he lost in a road accident, some years ago, aided in further turning him a recluse. Things started to turn really ugly between us and the love and the bonding started vanishing no matter how hard I tried for he mistook my love for him as my sympathy.
It was my Aajii and my parents with whose intervention we both reconciled and with God's Grace both our sonnies were born hale and hearty through artificial insemination. Hoping against hopes, I expected time to heal his wounds but he kept pricking them and also my heart. I always loved him so much that leaving him was out of question even if till now it meant me and my children being loved or hated at his whims and fancies.
Also because my Aajii taught me that love is the best medicine and patience is our strongest weapon that I kept hanging on... I have always obeyed her and if today it meant not being able to see her one last time, I accepted it. It was essential for the safety of my children. I called up and informed my parents, that I will not be able to come when dad told me that Aajii has asked him to courier her last letter to me. Tears rolled down my eyes, my dreams have indicated me everything that was true. I waited wholeheartedly for my treasure to arrive and at 7 in the evening it did arrive with my Aajii's pearls of wisdom:
"Nimmi Bitiya , please don't cry, bury all your tears in your heart and use their fire to make you rise from their ashes against all odds. If love and patience don't work, use the power of your education to rewrite your destiny and rise above everyone and everything that brings you misery......"
As I was reading, someone snatched the piece of paper from my hands and tore it to pieces. It was he again and his eyes burnt red with anger as he started yelling on me for not entrusting the children with him. His abuses gradually turned into hitting me and in a fit of anger he jumped on the kiddos throwing them against the wall one by one.
As my little ones bled, I decided to put an end to all this once and for all deriving power from my Aajii's Golden Talisman, her last letter which I could not even read fully.At about 11 p.m. that fateful night, my husband skid in sleep and I picked up my kids and reached the nearby police station and registered a complaint against him in presence of my two friends.
He was picked up by the police next morn and our house was given to me and my kids to live while he was ordered to stay in a P.G. or elsewhere but not with us. It has been 2 years from them and I have often seen me standing outside our house, quietly peeping and occasionally seeking forgiveness through his moist eyes. But can I ever forgive him ??? Will you ever??
Umpteen questions run down my brain.. Though I am now financially independent should I get back to him? What if he has not really changed ? Or am I penalising him even after improving ? Do my kids need their dad?
I try my best to forgive but have not still,
the scars on my soul are so deep...
Nevertheless, the fact is that I still love him
Dear Aajii, with your Golden Talisman for life, please guide me...
This is the true story of a dear friend who wrote to me sometime back. Please do write to us what would you have done in such a situation?
Have you Read our earlier post in this series: