Wednesday, 16 August 2017

A Void That Inspires Me

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I have a problem with the people who brag about all that they have been doing for their children and all the sacrifices they have made, for I strongly feel it is vice versa. Instead, we are blessed to have our little angels in our lives and should be absolutely grateful to the Almighty for conferring them to us. It's absolutely our discretion how we choose to raise them with no particular way being right or wrong and no one in this universe has the right to judge us.

In my case, it  was entirely my decision to become a SAHM when my little sonny turned two for I realised my twenty-days-a-month travel based job left me with little room to give him the right kind of foundation. He was grasping too quick and mostly spoke in a crude Haryanvi dialect his nanny conversed in. 

My assignment then was my dream job so I took a while to decide but once I did I was quite sure of what I am doing. We had decided to bear the child, so we must rear him perfectly too and with no family support, it was either of us who had to do it... 

...and earnestly speaking, I am glad that I did it for I wanted to spend these precious years with him as much as he probably needed his mom and though a thorough rollercoaster our journey so far has been too beautiful and precious. I love being too absorbed in giving him strong wings to take a flight of his choice in his future and with the husband giving him all the love and the time he craved for most when I was miserably juggling between mommyhood and my job.

For all the time that's left, I have my wonderful blog to stimulate my intellect and make me a part of the brilliant blogging community who have now become my second family. Thus barring a few routine hiccups, actually 
I have every reason to be happy and content, but unfortunately, how I wished things could have been this simple. 

There is a hurting void in my heart which I can't explain in words, which keeps on re-visiting me for no reason. It grips me hard, makes me loose interest in everything and become extremely irritable. On those days, I just feel very fatigued and sick and give up everything even including writing which is my life and soul. I find it difficult to hit back and cry multiple times a day. It feels very empty and meaningless within. I try avoiding people or any social interaction and this was precisely the reason I had to pull out of the coveted WTFOW this year but could not explain anyone the reason so I tried to veil it under my lethargy. It may have stemmed up  from doing a corporate job for 22 hours a day for over a decade across multiple countries to staying at home and often getting caught of in the mundane traps , I have completed the whole gamut of roles but I am not sure if this is the cause.

It may as well be a need for self validation as the kiddo is growing up. Surprisingly, my chronic fibroid pain also peaks about this time. I tried speaking to S but in all probability could not explain myself for he felt only I can help myself in this, which by the grace of my lord I do after a few days.

I don't know how but every time when the pain of the void becomes unbearable, it becomes my inspiration and makes me strike back harder and better for the time just passed has made me contemplate and evaluate a lot of things on my plate. The plot of my recent book 'The Fragrance of True Love' occurred to me during one of these spells. Currently I am bearing one such void again but am convinced to believe this too shall pass. And until I defeat this void completely, I shall call it my void of inspiration which urges me each time to fill it by doing something better and bigger.


Linking this post #MondayMusings on EverydayGyaan.com


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