Sunday 13 August 2017

If you Perceive Me to be an Emotionless Hard Rock, No I am Not ( #FoodForThought Series Vol-10)

Indian Bloggers

I shun it away
But an emptiness engulfs me

I shoo the void 
But it leaves me feeling more deprived

I yearn to fight
As a lonely tear drops down my eye in the middle of night 

What am I searching for 
When I am abandoned by my own silhouette

You can call me a paranoid but despite being the youngest of the four siblings, my plate has always been full of responsibilities and though I don't know how good and bad I am at them, I have given my life, my heart and soul to them.

I am a girl all of 28 and no I am not here to chant my grievances but to paint the picture of my side for I am so tired of being judged. My middle class childhood was fun and though my dream to become a doctor was muffled amidst the financial crisis as my parents choose to marry off we three sisters in due course and educate our only brother to become a doctor. 

No complaints there, that's how it mostly was in the semi-urban households and I was elated to complete my post graduation with flying colours and took up a decent job in NCR where also my brother practiced successfully and stayed with his wife and toddler. My two elder sisters were already married and I was the youngest and the most pampered one remaining when destiny struck and my only brother was murdered brutally by the petrified relatives of a patient whose life could not be saved, right in front of my eyes. I yelled and screamed with tears blinding me as something inside me died forever that day, perhaps my faith in Almighty.

Recalling those moments still sends shivers down my spine where I ran from pillar to post in the hope that my brother could be saved but such was the mob they took him away for no fault of his. My parents couldn't bear the shock and our beautiful nest got tattered indiscriminately that night and life has not been the same for anyone of us after that. I took my family's responsibilities on my shoulder and though I could not be their lost son but I yearned day in and day out to get them out of their pain. Their silent love and support kept me steady on my path.

Some years later giving in to elders' insistence, I tied knot with a wonderful human being who didn't have his family and thus he warmly welcomed mine like his own, into our home sweet home. Thus my parents started living with us as they were old and sick and needed rigorous medical attention which wasn't there in our hometown. My husband loved me a lot and I was overwhelmed by his goodness, after a long long time, I felt life is beautiful. He supported me the best he could and had his own take on the way life has treated him. Soon we were blessed with our little bundle of joy, our tiny munchkin.

Motherhood was precious and it increased my responsibility further along with my job and ailing parents. Rarely did I get any time for myself or the poor spouse. I knew it but was trapped in vicious circle of life. The husband has started to stay quiet and I have safely assumed that he probably was giving me space in my overworked routine. Dad was by this time in and out of the hospital for his severe lung infection and since mom could not walk due to her severe artharitis, I had to manage it all until one day I lost dad too. Another piece of my heart broke that day as my dad, my hero rested in peace but I didn't shed a single tear and performed all the rituals like a rock. 

Amidst all this I didn't realize, my man, whom I had unknowingly ignored and who had only me in the name of family, has gradually sunk into irreversible depression. Another bout of repentance embraced me for I had failed as a wife to fulfil my duties. He soon lost his high profile MNC job and is still under heavy anti-depressants. Though cyclically out of his depressive spells and trying to focus in his new job, his body and mind often gives in under the medication with possibly several side effects. Thus the financial onus of our household is now entirely on me and I now try to seek work even on Sundays for some extra income. 

Mom's health has further deteriorated and she tries her best to manage our little son but the inability to walk restricts her majorly. My sisters who live far away, can only remotely help. I am still running insanely whole day trying my best to fulfil all my responsibilities to the tee but I know I am not able to and I deeply worry if the next neglected soul is going to my little sonny who is growing up silently in some corner of our house.

Earnestly I know it all but don't know how to escape the turmoil I am in. People by now perceive me to be an emotionless hard rock who barely smiles or emotes, but the fact is I am not. It's just that I am overtly stressed and messed up to do good for everyone which too unfortunately I am unable to do.It hurts me deep within beyond repair. I wanna yell on top of my voice and say I need love, care and warmth, too, to fuel my engine to run our world but whom should I say it to. I really don't know where and when did I go wrong? 

So I put it out to you world, please give me an answer and show me the way ahead...Please help me.

This is a true story of a wonderful human being (whose voice we felt compelled to share on Truly Yours Roma) who is seeking an answer, request you to share what would you have done in such a situation.

Have you read our earlier True Tales in the #FoodforThought series? Find them here.

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