Its Ok For Me Not Being a Dad : #InfertilityNotATaboo

Though I have never been asked to express nor held accountable for all the trauma me and my beautiful wife have been harshly subjected to for the last decade and a half, I choose to break my silence today for two big reasons. One in the mad race and infinite failed attempts to bear a child I fear to loose my precious half forever whom I see sinking and dying a slow death each moment and second I don't want other childless couples to struggle and ruin their happy married life due to a medical condition called infertility which is more often than not, curable.

I am Shashank and I married the love of the life sixteen years ago with everyone's blessings. Life was a bed or roses for us as Sudeepa is a wonderful human being and we complimented each other perfectly in everything. While I always flooded her with great books as I knew they meant the world to her, she picked the best crotons for me always, for my love of gardening. Our strong bond based on mutual care and respect with time only grew stronger.

Life was almost a dream until we discovered that even after trying for a while, our wait for the little prince or princess in our family was taking inevitably long. In our deep love for each other, we took the situation in our stride and decided to wait for a little more time. But the pressure from the society and near and dear ones kept building hard less on me and more on Sudeepa until one day she burst into painful cries and confine herself in the house to escape the heart-wrenching remarks hurled at her. I felt her pain deep in my heart wondering why the taunts were only meant for her for all of us were an educated lot and understood it very clearly that the reason could be with either of us.

Earnestly speaking, I too wanted to be a dad and hold my bundle of joy in my arms and kiss her/him but traumatising, subjecting the person who made my life beautiful to cruel remarks or holding her responsible for not fulfilling my desire was the last thing on my mind ever. We have promised to be with each other through life's thick and thin then how can I abandon her during this crisis, the thought itself was vague. If at all there was a crisis it was for both of us alike. Sorting things in my mind, I persuaded her that we will seek medical intervention and all should be fine and even if it doesn't , our love was enough for each other, in this lifetime. During all these times no anxiety for being a dad built in in me and all I cared was for an absolute wellbeing of my spouse. Crying for someone who is not there and for him/her loosing the person who means the world to you, didn't make any sense to me.

Series of medical tests revealed we had decent chances of becoming parents and the news left us super-elated, undoubtedly,beyond compare. While we patiently waited the only thing that created discomfort is the repetitive phone calls and piercing eyes questioning unendingly if there was a news. Even worst were the superstitious advice that were served to us three times a day. Consequently, we stopped going out and built a web around us in a failed attempt to shield us from the social stigma. Words fail me to describe how I felt when my nearest relatives invited me to their ceremonies but never forgot to mention to come alone. Must I say friends were a little better off though, but at that moment sympathy was the last thing we sought for.

In next 7 years, Sudeepa conceived four times but unfortunately each time there was a miscarriage. She buried the pain deep in her heart and still tried to smile so that I don't feel sad. Deep in my heart, I saluted her inner strength but her tear-filled eyes expressed it all. The series of incidences and the societal pressures have broken her and crushed her identity infinite times each day and. Why they didn't do it to me? Is she not a women if she's not a mother? Did I care a pence if she can't bear my baby? Will that diminish my eternal love for her? 

Once and for all that day I decided to end our perennial trauma. I just wanted her to be fine, get back to her books and laughter and thus one day I poured my heart out to her.

" It's ok for me not being a dad but it's not ok for me to be a non-caring husband whose wife is sad. You mean the world to me, my love and are the centre of all my happiness. Embrace life once again for me, please. Let us get back to our perfectly happy life!"

Today she is recovering and back home with me. We smile, we giggle at our silly jokes; while I read out her favourite books aloud, she waters my crotons. I am hell bent to get my old Sudeepa back and I trust we are on the right track.

                                           -Penned by A Man who's not a dad

                                                 but is perfectly happy

( Fictional Adaptation of a dear friend's true tale)

This blog is to #SpreadAwareness about Infertility through Infertility Dost, India’s first website that facilitates couples to brave infertility with support and knowledge. You can find other links  on Write Tribe.

This post is also linked to UBC and Daily Chatter