Sunday 17 December 2023

Finding a new purpose in life

Today is Teej 2022 and it is different from how I always celebrated one with great cheerfulness. I have this habit of embracing a smile no matter how much it is hurting inside. Today I have cried my heart out like never before and am having suicidal thoughts. But on my life depends other lives and I am just going to wipe my tears and head out with a smile but the fact is I am lonely very lonely. I want to talk love laugh live and  travel. My partner just sits next to me or walks next to me without a word for over two months. Why am I not worth talking to? I try my best, make demands, go out together, watch a movie but he never utters a word, I only get to hear him when I ask a question or someone calls up. I can’t give him the benefit of doubt that he is very busy with his business because he is mostly playing an online game or watching Netflix if not on phone so my heart refuses to accept this excuse from myself any more. He might have his own reasons I am sure. The fact is perhaps I have become redundant in his life and will in some years become for my kid too. 

In Pune I had a purpose in my life, my academy, no matter at how small or big level, my students who made my life worthwhile. I had something to call my own, something to look forward to and not sit in a corner and cry with no one even remotely guessing your tears. Delhi has deprived me of it and I am struggling but I will soon surely find something to channelise my intellect and someone to talk to who will talk to me and most importantly like me and smile with me.

It will be wrong for me to ascertain the cause of my despondency and current mental state to someone else. I was the one who gave my IKEA career at its peak and all the repercussions I face are entirely mine. I have to pick myself up and motivate myself and see here I am already feeling better a characteristic of typical me. I cry my heart out, let the words flow out and my  soul feels pure and free. Sometimes it is so vital to just let it flow out. Perhaps it is time to once again searching for a bigger purpose in life.

This post is a part of the #CauseaChatter Initiative by Blogchatter.

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