Harrowing and disturbing patriarchy in India (Pages From the Diaries of Common Indian Women-Chapter8)

 

Why do men in India don’t learn to bend down? Why aren’t they taught to accept their partner’s viewpoint even when she is right? Why is a loving and caring husband called a Joru ka Gulam and a loving and caring son considered ideal? Why are dads supposed to provide financially for the children? Why must the entire family obey the patriarch? 

All this may sound outdated to you but no this is the truth of most Indian households even today and the situation is stifling not only for the family who feel claustrophobic and unable to express themselves and often subjected to mental and physical cruelty but also may be for the man who lives a fake life,  happy and gay with his friends and office colleagues but is a changed man at home. Can I give him the benefit of the doubt of having a multiple personality disorder? No, I don’t think so. Then, what is it? 

Only yesterday I read a woman’s plea in a FB support group where she was looking to understand what is wrong with her that her husband is exceptionally good to everyone in the world and to her too in front of outsiders but exhibits zero feelings or attachment for her when at home for years. My heart went out to that lady how difficult it must be for her to sail a lonely boat without any emotional support from her partner. What is the partner thinking? It is not necessary that he is having another emotional and physical anchor in his life or he might be having an extramarital affair or maybe none of these options because against all odds, today I am trying to be kind to that man.

I step into his shoes today and I see the world. Does he not feel like cuddling his wife or giggling with his children? Does he just not like to drop the male chauvinism he has been trained for and for once ask his family their wishes and not order his? I am sure he does because he may be battling so much pressure and politics at work and maybe undue domination by people half his caliber. A home is a place where he can exhibit his supremacy without bothering about how this shatters his wife’s heart in a billion pieces or this is what his children are observing and learning. They may rebel one day and flee with their mom at least many feel this way at this tender age. Sometimes he does so to demonstrate his control to his parents and siblings who admire his discipline or he may boast of it in front of his friends over drinks every evening. But in all this what a fake life he is leading? I am worried about his emotional health. 

I feel he is bearing the brunt of the harrowing and disturbing patriarchy of India too. Not only does his wife and children deserve all the love, but so does he.  Why do you think men have more heart attacks than women? The social stigma must end now, the patriarchy is suffocating. Every child deserves his dad’s love and smile and support to develop strong wings and every wife needs a genuine friend who soaks her in love but above all a husband needs them equally. Only when this unit as a whole is strong can our society become fundamentally strong from its roots. The fakeness needs to melt away.

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Hi everyone, thanks for dropping by, this is my ninth consecutive   #BlogchatterA2Z and global #AtoZchallenge, and this year I am penning  Pages From the Diaries of Indian Women. In case you wish to check out what I wrote in the last 9 challenges here are the links for 2016, 2017, 2018 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023.

If you like what I write, you can grab copies of my eight published works here: The Fragrance of True Love, Destiny's Favorite Child, Dare to Defy The Destiny, Empowered Women Empower Women, Soulful Letters On COVID, for My Future Grandchild, I Live to Love You, Soft Strings Of My Heart and Brave Inked Emotions. Also, as the founder of the Endometriosis Support and Awareness Group of India and Emotionally Strong Women Of India, I would love for you to join me in my mission or approach me for any women's health-related (physical/mental/emotional) assistance you seek.

 

Gratitude Practice Heals (Pages From the Diaries of Common Indian Women-Chapter7)

Sometimes when everything around me starts going hazy and I don’t know where to start, I sit in a peaceful place, like I am now in the jungle behind my house and just begin penning my gratitude list, so here I begin. 

I am grateful to the universe for: 

1. The gift of writing which helps me express my deepest thoughts as musings and when I write my heart out I  feel more sane, more in control. Writing adds perspective to my thoughts and makes me ensure despite everything not going my way, I am on the right path. It teaches me to hold on for a while and practice patience and self-belief. Writing is my medium of expression, I write when I am happy, I write when I am sad and I write when there is a larger message I wish to give to the community based on what I have just learned. 
2. For my life. I feel blessed to be born a human who has an intellect and can use it for his or her betterment and for the betterment of the world. However, I love flying and would love to be a bird in my next birth:)
3. For my confidence that I keep sailing no matter what the circumstances are. Life keeps throwing lemons at me and I am addicted to making a lemonade out of them now. 
4. For being able to get up every time I am depressed and sulking and breaking in tears at the drop of a hat. This phase surely is tough and lonely but somehow I stick to the bleak ray of hope and figure out little ways of staying afloat. 
5. For my husband who has been a wonderful companion mostly and for my son who has my back always and listens to all my rants patiently. These two have always been my entire life. 
6. For my friends who have been bestowed on me in abundance by my Sai and they know exactly when I need them. It is miraculous but it is now my superpower. 
7. For a peaceful calm life driven by purpose where I manifest, I pray, I meditate, I do good and I try to smile. I have a thousand conversations with myself and am now a good friend of mine. 
8. For the food on my plate and the roof above my head. Yes, I am grateful for it and pray the same for everyone on this earth. 
9. For my brother who is the best gift my parents gave me. He is an innocent soul with whom I can share my heart whenever I feel like it. It is an absolute blessing to have a sibling and I am grateful for him. 
10. For my Ayurvedic doctor who keeps me afloat with her medication. 

By the time I end my gratitude list, I start to feel better already because practicing gratitude heals. Thank you universe for all this and more you send my way every day.

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Hi everyone, thanks for dropping by, this is my ninth consecutive   #BlogchatterA2Z and global #AtoZchallenge, and this year I am penning  Pages From the Diaries of Indian Women. In case you wish to check out what I wrote in the last 9 challenges here are the links for 2016, 2017, 2018 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023.

If you like what I write, you can grab copies of my eight published works here: The Fragrance of True Love, Destiny's Favorite Child, Dare to Defy The Destiny, Empowered Women Empower Women, Soulful Letters On COVID, for My Future Grandchild, I Live to Love You, Soft Strings Of My Heart and Brave Inked Emotions. Also, as the founder of the Endometriosis Support and Awareness Group of India and Emotionally Strong Women Of India, I would love for you to join me in my mission or approach me for any women's health-related (physical/mental/emotional) assistance you seek.

Finding True Happiness when one faces Midlife Crisis (Pages From the Diaries of Common Indian Women-Chapter6)

 

Every stage in our life is crucial. Our childhood and youth pass in the blink of an eye for most of us, studying, building our careers, and then family, it is midlife when the void hits hard. 

I have learned the hard way that there are two ways of dealing with a midlife crisis. First, we go with the flow, slowing down with our slowing metabolism making the hormonal imbalances and menopause the cause of everything because they do alter a woman’s life and thoughts. In this case, sulking and feeling sad and lonely is natural because you are no longer in the prime of your youth. We also start challenging the purpose of our existence. Some of us complain while others keep building stress inside themselves, which can make them sick. 

The other way of dealing is by being grateful for all the time you have at hand now and doing what you always wanted to but could never make time for. Start a passion project. Join a new course. Read the book you always wanted to read. Go for long nature walks. If you are a writer indulge in weaving meaningful pieces. If you are a marathon runner train hard for it and if you want to cycle around the length and breadth of the country, the time is now, go for it. Find your IKIGAI- The Purpose of Your Life. Set Goals and train yourselves to fulfill them. The smile that you will bring to someone’s face will lift you up like nothing else. You can also resume your career and if already in one you can use this time to take the leap of faith and make a jump.  Precisely, find things that give you true happiness and build your schedule around them.

Avoid rotting at home (until it is your free rest time) because it makes you fiddle with useless demotivating thoughts, rather get up and do what you have always dreamt of. Procrastinating takes us nowhere but having a disciplined life guided by a purpose does. Also, correct your mistake of basing your happiness on others’ moods, it will land you in more self-doubt rather devise your own ways to channel your life based on your own happiness which is not dependent on others. 

I am Prerna and I have cried my heart out until very recently at the drop of a hat as the void was swallowing me. When my family got busy in their own world I panicked with having nowhere to go but now I am more settled with the idea of leading a meaningful journey alone. I want to transform my midlife into the most fruitful time of my life in which for the first time my priority will be self-love.

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Hi everyone, thanks for dropping by, this is my ninth consecutive   #BlogchatterA2Z and global #AtoZchallenge, and this year I am penning  Pages From the Diaries of Indian Women. In case you wish to check out what I wrote in the last 9 challenges here are the links for 2016, 2017, 2018 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023.

If you like what I write, you can grab copies of my eight published works here: The Fragrance of True Love, Destiny's Favorite Child, Dare to Defy The Destiny, Empowered Women Empower Women, Soulful Letters On COVID, for My Future Grandchild, I Live to Love You, Soft Strings Of My Heart and Brave Inked Emotions. Also, as the founder of the Endometriosis Support and Awareness Group of India and Emotionally Strong Women Of India, I would love for you to join me in my mission or approach me for any women's health-related (physical/mental/emotional) assistance you seek.

Expect Nothing, Do good and forget it (Pages From the Diaries of Common Indian Women-Chapter5)

 

When I was very young, once when I worked very hard and still got a second rank in class, I asked my mother what could have gone wrong. She sat me down and lovingly told me that I must not lay so much emphasis on the end result but rather focus on my perfect efforts to achieve that goal. She cited a quote from Gita, ‘Karm kiye jaa, fal ki iccha chod de’, meaning you keep doing your side of hard work and good to others without worrying about what fruits you will reap for them. This lesson given by her that day is the principle on which I have based my life so far and it has been fair though challenging. I know you will say, it is easier to say that ‘Expect nothing, do good and forget it’ because we are human at the end of the day but it does put an end to a lot of misery we humans have to go through and gives us unparalleled contentment. 

Let me explain. Very recently my latest book ‘Brave Inked Emotions’ was published which launched so many new authors. I worked hard for 4 months single-handedly on conceptualizing, ideating, curating, and editing this book. I had pure intentions at the heart of creating an emotional wellness resource for the common masses at an affordable cost. Handling 27 authors delicately keeping their emotional wellness as my top priority during the process was a humongous task, to say the least and I had tried my best to love them unconditionally and be fair all this while. My well-wishers and  friends who meant  good for me always wanted me to charge a fee for the blogger-to-author journey as well as my editing fee and a decent royalty on the resource I created with multiple co-authors. They were right because the book carries value. But with this book money making was not my aim. It was just a pure good intention and I did not expect any award or reward in return. I just naturally worked on my life’s principle of doing good and forgetting it. 

But the love and praise I have received for this book overwhelms me and makes me teary-eyed. The universe is making everything fall into place so smoothly. We had a dreamy book launch and the smiles of my coauthors who attended meant the world to me. Every day I receive notes of appreciation from eminent writers and the common public alike and I sleep peacefully with a warm heart because I have not hurt a soul in this process and have brought value to several others whose lives the beautiful real-life emotional wellness stories in the book are touching. This is my real earning and this makes me the human I always wanted to become because I believe leading life with a purpose is why we have taken birth as humans and if we can uplift our community in the slightest way we are on the right track. Sharing below some kind messages of praise I have received and witnessed every day since the launch of the book and I am eternally grateful. 

I have shared at length the personal story behind this book in my most comprehensive interview with a very senior blogger of our writing community Mr. Jaideep Khanduja. If this interests you, click here to delve into it. There is a lot more I intend to do for the community and shall be sharing the details in one of my forthcoming posts. Stay tuned for the announcements.

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Hi everyone, thanks for dropping by, this is my ninth consecutive   #BlogchatterA2Z and global #AtoZchallenge, and this year I am penning  Pages From the Diaries of Indian Women. In case you wish to check out what I wrote in the last 9 challenges here are the links for 2016, 2017, 2018 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023.

If you like what I write, you can grab copies of my eight published works here: The Fragrance of True Love, Destiny's Favorite Child, Dare to Defy The Destiny, Empowered Women Empower Women, Soulful Letters On COVID, for My Future Grandchild, I Live to Love You, Soft Strings Of My Heart and Brave Inked Emotions. Also, as the founder of the Endometriosis Support and Awareness Group of India and Emotionally Strong Women Of India, I would love for you to join me in my mission or approach me for any women's health-related (physical/mental/emotional) assistance you seek.

Diary entry of a teenager’s mom (Pages From the Diaries of Common Indian Women-Chapter4)

 

In the orientation of class tenth today I, Aditi, met a couple of wonderful moms with whom I left for a cup of coffee where we all discussed a lot of what is happening in our teenagers’ world. 

We all are at a very significant year of our child’s life. They appear for boards this year and the kids and the parents feel the pressure alike. The school adds up with its strict rules and targets. Somehow I don’t find it justified, while it is vital to work hard a balance in life is important at every stage. 

There is so much I learned in today’s casual meet-up as the mothers spoke about how such young children are struggling with anxiety. They don’t have friends and face bias at the hands of teachers and peers in the school. As a person who has known these kids for years, it breaks my heart. A bright kid till about a couple of years back today is anxious to go to school today. The shuffling of the sections has made her lose friends. The advent of puberty and hormones are further adding to her woes. I have seen her shrink from a happy smiley chatterbox to a shy girl who comes and speaks only to her mom. When not in school she is a very happy person taking the lead in all international trips her family undertakes. Still, at school, there is something that kills her confidence and that is passive bullying by her classmates who feel she is an art and design student who cannot answer maths and science questions.

We the extremely educated mothers don’t know the solution as to what to do for the kids and the board exams will only add to the pressure.

There is another kid who is brilliant yet has turned into a recluse in his teenage years. He even fears to share with his mother as he feels she may judge her which she surely won’t but the fear has gone deep in the child’s psyche.

A lot of us also feel that the schools act in their comfort zone they only pick 4-5 kids for everything and the rest don’t get a fair representation. This is the time their confidence needs a boost and the teachers are the best persons to do that because the kids really look up to them. In fact, they must give a chance to more new students so that they come to the same level too because the good ones are already doing well. 

The added confidence will help them perform better in their boards too and the happy hormones of being appreciated will ease some pressure on them. They were always good, they just need a little nudge in the right direction.

Teenage is the years when your children exhibit the first bout of independence and teenage rage and rebellion are not uncommon but as parents, this is the time we must cushion them the most but silently and be emotionally available for them. 

Tell them you have their back and that they can reach out to you whenever they need and don’t create undue pressure on them. Remember we too were anxious before the exams and became fine once they were over. We have to teach our kids to be strong too and the fact that this too shall pass.

While I can give you some recommendations on how we must act, I still need to learn about how the school and society must evolve to become more inclusive. Do pour in your suggestions if you have any and I will ensure they reach where they are meant to. 

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Hi everyone, thanks for dropping by, this is my ninth consecutive   #BlogchatterA2Z and global #AtoZchallenge, and this year I am penning  Pages From the Diaries of Indian Women. In case you wish to check out what I wrote in the last 9 challenges here are the links for 2016, 2017, 2018 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023.

If you like what I write, you can grab copies of my eight published works here: The Fragrance of True Love, Destiny's Favorite Child, Dare to Defy The Destiny, Empowered Women Empower Women, Soulful Letters On COVID, for My Future Grandchild, I Live to Love You, Soft Strings Of My Heart and Brave Inked Emotions. Also, as the founder of the Endometriosis Support and Awareness Group of India and Emotionally Strong Women Of India, I would love for you to join me in my mission or approach me for any women's health-related (physical/mental/emotional) assistance you seek.

Can a mother ever be wrong? (Pages From the Diaries of Indian Women-Chapter3)

 I have analyzed motherhood from multiple angles and though I always feel if there is anything selfless relation on this earth, it is that of a mother and child, we must stop glorifying a mother and ease the pressure on her. After all a mother is also human and she goes through the same trajectory of emotions that every other human does. Why on earth is she expected to make all the sacrifices? Why is she labeled selfish if she does not make them? Why is she expected to give up her career and settle for something second fiddle or work-from-home kind of job so that she can fend for the minutest need of her kids? Why if the child does anything wrong a mother is blamed for his wrong upbringing? If he or she doesn’t do well in exams she is considered the scapegoat to take the responsibility of being too lenient? Why when a mother chooses to stay with her kid and care for her precious little heart, is she termed overprotective? Why don’t we just let her be? Is the over-controlling nature of Indian mothers when the children grow up and have their families stemming from all the sacrifices and blames that have been levied on them all through their lives? But who pays the cost? Is this the daughter of another mother who comes in as daughter-in-law?

I am a mother and I know how it hurts at different levels. The pressure is humongous. I have also seen my mother give her heart and soul for her children but also take out the physical torture and mental toxicity received from her in-laws and husband on the kids when she could not bear it anymore only perhaps to repent later. Her life was claustrophobic not being allowed to despite her academic excellence and above-par intellect. The mother in her forced her to maintain a fake perfect happy family until her untimely death so that society accepts her children as normal and she dies a perfect ‘Suhagan’. In India everything is about society I guess. It killed me as a daughter that I could not do anything for her. I tried but to her how society perceived her mattered the most. 

As a mother, I inherited her Mother India genes and gave up my dreams to bring up my child well and live his childhood. But I evolved gradually and believed like any other human and mother too can be right or wrong. So I re-weaved my dreams and started working on them very gradually. Took all the tags society gave me either way and didn’t care. I corrected myself whenever I was going wrong and ensured I was not a controlling mother ever but not an absent mother either. I always weighed every decision and had my set of highs and lows. I still make mistakes but I always correct them and apologize and forgive myself because I too am growing as a mother. 

But there is a third mother who externally still has the power to cause havoc in my happy world. She is my spouse’s mother and she brilliantly remote controls everything that happens in my house. It is as if she is watching us through a CCTV. I have been waiting for her to give us freedom and space for several decades. I am Charulata and I feel blessed that my better half still has his mother to talk to and bless him every day. If her controlling nature had gone away, we would have all been a happy family. I am sure she herself would have experienced this but that doesn’t justify her over-interference. 

But now I will not carry forward this tradition. As a boy’s mother, I will always ensure to accept the daughter who marries my son as mine and give them both space and time to let their relationship flourish and strengthen. I will be a normal human and embrace the passions for which I did not get time before. But like a bird mother once my child’s wings are strong I will let him fly away as high and as far away as he wishes independently. I will not charge the cost of the burden society put me through as a mother from my child and another mother’s child who chose to marry each other. So the answer to 'Can a mother ever be wrong' is yes but it is fine as long as she fixes it. 

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Hi everyone, thanks for dropping by, this is my ninth consecutive   #BlogchatterA2Z and global #AtoZchallenge, and this year I am penning  Pages From the Diaries of Indian Women. In case you wish to check out what I wrote in the last 9 challenges here are the links for 2016, 2017, 2018 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023.

If you like what I write, you can grab copies of my eight published works here: The Fragrance of True Love, Destiny's Favorite Child, Dare to Defy The Destiny, Empowered Women Empower Women, Soulful Letters On COVID, for My Future Grandchild, I Live to Love You, Soft Strings Of My Heart and Brave Inked Emotions. Also, as the founder of the Endometriosis Support and Awareness Group of India and Emotionally Strong Women Of India, I would love for you to join me in my mission or approach me for any women's health-related (physical/mental/emotional) assistance you seek.